How to Be the Friend Who Has More Money
'Ignore it' is not the answer.
You likely have a friend who has less money than you. And if you don’t right now, then you will almost certainly in the future. (Unless your social strategy is only picking friends with more money than you — in which case, godspeed, you glorious social climber.)
Although we might wish it weren’t true, our friendships exist in the context of money. If we are sharing an activity, we are navigating the cost of that activity. If we are talking about our life, we are talking about a life that is built, in part, by money. Sickness, love, hobbies, day jobs, raising children. Give me a story and I will point out the money in it.
From talking to people, it seems that the most common strategy for working through the impact of money on our friendships is complete avoidance.
Most of the time that doesn’t work. The proof is in the weird check dynamics at the end of a dinner, the festering resentments after bachelorette parties, and the awkward conversations about each other’s home purchases (or lack thereof). Not talking really doesn’t work. If you don’t believe this, please visit your favorite therapist’s substack. This note will be waiting when you’re done.
This post is part one of two. Today, we discuss being the friend with more money. Next week, we cover being the friend with less.
Step One: It’s Coming From Inside the House
Like most relationship work, we must start with ourselves. It’s really, really difficult to have a friendship of safety, joy, and support if we are bringing a big pile of shadow-y discomfort to the party. If you feel weird or have inconsistent behaviors, your friendship is going to feel weird and be inconsistent.
Understand how you have tied money and a person’s value together.
You and your friend do not have the same amount of money. If you believe that our level of money determines our value to the world, you believe that you and your friend have different value. You might think that money makes someone better and so you think that you are better than your friend. You might think that money is inherently evil and so you think you are worse than your friend. Neither is a great foundation for connection.
Exercise: Imagine yourself in front of someone you deeply respect. This could be an author, artist, coach, scientist, athlete, whatever.
Imagine standing in front of that person and announcing that you make $10,000 a year. Record how you feel.
Now try announcing that you make $600,000 a year. Record how you feel.
And repeat with $115,000 a year. Record how you feel.
If you felt better the more money you were making, it’s likely you associate making money with someone’s worth. If you felt worse the more money you were making, it’s likely you associate money with poor character. If you felt bad at both the low and the high, congratulations, you are the most common type of person — you feel shame for not making enough and shame for making too much.
Create your own compass for money sharing.
There are plenty of things that we will have that our friend won’t and plenty of things that our friend will have that we won’t. What’s unique about money is that it’s possible to share it. If you envy your friend’s height, there is no feeling that they could be donating one of their inches to you (or taking one if you feel too tall). If your friend envies your relationship, they are not expecting you to give them your partner. Money isn’t like that. You can pay for someone else’s dinner, you can help with hospital bills, you can even pay someone’s living expenses.
Exercise: Our feelings about offering financial support tend to vary along four dimensions: closeness of the relationship, type of need, the person’s perceived effort toward their goal, and whether we are participating in the activity.
Your smile-and-nod-when-you-see-each-other-at-group-events friend is saving up for a house in the Dolomites and is dedicating almost no effort to it because they are spending their days beating ping pong records at the local bar. They will never invite you to this house.
How much money do you want to give them to make their dream happen? (No wrong answers.)
Now imagine everything is the same, but it’s your best friend. How much money do you want to give?
Imagine it’s your best friend and they are working 80 hour weeks.
Imagine it’s your best friend, they are working 80 hour weeks, and it’s a small apartment in their home town.
Imagine it’s your best friend, they are working 80 hour weeks, it’s a small apartment in their home town, and you will sleep on their couch once a month.
I imagine your answer changed with each variation.
One exercise will not answer this big question for you forever, but try out the framework the next time you are asked to contribute. I use BIND to remind myself, where BIND stands for Bond (your bond to them), Involvement (your involvement in the experience), Need (how strong their need for the thing is), and Dedication (how much effort they are putting in). Over time you will find where your lines are. Knowing our lines helps us navigate these questions with peace.
Recognize your power.
Your life is different because you have more money. We misuse our power the most when we fail to properly appreciate it.
Exercise: Pick a day in the next week. On that day, each time you have to make a purchase, imagine you had the amount of money that your friend does. Spend accordingly and notice how both your life and your mental burden changes.
The work is never done, but it’s a start. If we are self-aware and rooted in our values, we have a much better chance of being the kind of friend we hope to be.
Step Two: Co-create with your friend.
Allow your friend to have their own feelings.
I mean this in two ways.
They have to do their own Step One and you cannot guarantee the answers they’ve come to. They could think you are a worse person for having money. You cannot control that. You can hold boundaries and you can make choices about who is in your life. You cannot change people.
You might have money, and that money might give you the power to meddle in people's lives, but it does not give you the right to. You can offer to help. You can lift your friends. You cannot use your money to buy people out of their feelings. You cannot put your friend on a place to Paris because you want to stop hearing about her break up. You cannot purchase true loyalty. People are their own beings and your money does not buy you out of reality.
Understand their views on sharing money.
It’s all well and good if you want to buy your best friend a mansion, but she might not want you to. It’s her right to accept money in a way that feels good to her. It’s also her right to think you should share your money more (see: previous bullet).
Embrace that each friendship is a unique thread in a tapestry of connection.
If you find that you don’t enjoy contributing more money to meals, but your restaurant friend cannot afford the expensive new restaurant, you either need to learn to go alone or make another friend. I’m not saying to ditch the old friend, I’m saying the more we allow people to expand our lives in the way they can and the less we resent them for the spaces they don’t fill, the deeper the love.
Bonus Step Three: Process Your Feelings and Change the World
If you are angry that your friend has less money than you, I’d like you to actually feel that. Many a wise guide tells us that the only to let go of a feeling is to actually feel it. There’s a chance that the discomfort we feel around our friends who make less than us is untapped grief and anger. Are you feeling guilt or are you feeling rage?
If at the other side of your feelings you have activation energy, remember that the economy is a thing we create together and we have power here.
Next week, we’ll go over being the friend with less money.
A good giggle.
Honestly, an excellent tracker. Signed, an economist.
Talk soon,
Kendall
A Holiday
Edward Henry Potthast, 1915
Courtesy of the Art Institute of Chicago
Kendal- I enjoyed reading your article. You mention so many of the factors that play into decisions but you missed a very big factor that is a major factor for me. Is the person needing money a family member? There are a lot of questions to answer with this one! Anyway, I want you to know that I consider you part (a very good part) of my family too and if you ever need financial help, please don't hesitate to let me know.